The Real Facts About Shaggers

By: Scooter Johnson

A column in the Sunday, May 1, 2005, edition of the Sun News mentions a 10 question survey on shaggers, conducted by Coastal Carolina University on behalf of the Society of Stranders and the North Myrtle Beach Chamber of Commerce touting how shaggers “pumped about $7 million (dollars) into the Grand Strand economy” each fall.

We understand that there were only 10 questions, because shaggers are not very bright, and like most mentally challenged people; they have a very limited attention span.

Now, lets set the record straight on exactly what the real deal is with this crowd of phony baloney cheapskates.

Except for the few folks making money off of the shagger’s, the rest of us here wish that their so called spring and fall “migrations” included a hunting season on shaggers, in hopes that we could eventually drive them to extinction. We realize, of course, that shagger hunting wouldn’t be fair, because they’re just too easy of a prey. Besides being dumb animals, their hideous, clown-like wardrobes of madras and lamé make them stand out from normal folks. The stench of their cheap perfumes and colognes, as well as the toxic fumes from their constant carcinogenic cloud of cigarette smoke can be smelled from miles away by even the most sinus-challenged individuals. They’re so obnoxiously loud, especially the ear-splitting shrieking of the females, that their din could easily drown out all of the bikers events combined, and since they can usually be found in the parking lots drinking out of the trunks of their cars, they’re too easy to find.

Ask any server, bartender, bellman, parking attendant or anyone else depending on tips to pay their bills, and you will quickly find that they all hate shaggers because:

“Shaggers are by far the cheapest bastards anywhere!”

“Shaggers are rude, and treat us like dirt – unless they want something, then you’ll hear that cornball ‘darlin’ bullshit of theirs.”

“They are definitely the biggest, and most obnoxious drunks we see every year, and the women are as bad as the men.”

Now as to that “$7 million,” the reality of that number is that each shagger spends less than $100 per day, while the black bikers spend more than twice as much.

Hell, so what if it isn’t fair, lets shoot ’em anyway! We can call it mercy killing!